Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
