I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
