and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
