we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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