someone threw a dead crab at me
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
