oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
