I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
