Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Randomize
