I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
