yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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