did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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