He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
