i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
