She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
