so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
