Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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