I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
