And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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