so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
