I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
