im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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