Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
