And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
