as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Be still, my beating vagina.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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