Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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