I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
