Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
