pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
