You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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