thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
