also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
