i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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