The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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