glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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