I think my vagina is haunted
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
