I wish my penis had an off switch
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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