i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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