I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
