I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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