the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
