In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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