o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
How external is "for external use only"?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
