you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
