If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
