watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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