Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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