dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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