Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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