i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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