Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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